Granada Hils, CA: 48° F. Still raining a bit.
Here’s my predicament. I would love to make female friends but I am unsure how that can be done in my situation. What’s my situation? Please allow me to elaborate:
- I am still legally married. It has been established long ago that J and I are far better apart (currently living in different countries). We’re just waiting until the little ones (two to be exact) are old enough to understand why mom and dad can’t work it out.
- I have decided not to have any intimate relationship with anyone. I've entered nondenominational priesthood a long time ago (celibate... and forego all hopes of romantic involvement). I guess I really don’t want anyone to have to deal with my situation but me. I don’t want anyone to be hurt by my situation...
But I still want friends. I’ve had many female friends, before J objected to the whole concept, and I do miss having them in my life. It’s not that men aren’t great friends. It’s just that I find women, in general, to be caring and considerate, more so than men.
I guess you can say I’m somewhat new in town; I’ve been gone the last 10 years and lost contact with most of my old friends. So, here’s the daunting task: how do I make new female friends without misleading or offending them?
Real Situation: Candice at BJ's
I got stuck in Westwood today (after looking at some cameras at Bel-Air Camera) because I refuse to drive when the traffic conditions are horrible (“parking lot” or siggler). So, I stopped by Starbucks in Westwood for couple of hours to send out some emails and to post what turned out to be a few blog entries. Around 7 PM, I drove out of the parking lot and headed toward 405 freeway. I was only on Wilshire, but I could already see that it was going to be a miserable drive home; I turned back toward Westwood and decided to get a bite to eat.
I remembered Candice worked at BJ’s Bar & Grill. When I first met Candice, I thought she was adorable in a baby sister kind of way and it would be fun to just hang out with her (Pseudo-interviews: Remington International). BJ’s was just around the corner from Starbucks, so I decided to stop by and eat there. Of course, today had to be Friday and there was a line out the door. I walked inside and put my name down for a table. Though Candice was one of 3 hostesses, she didn’t see me (as I said, it was packed). The hostess who put my name down said it was going to be 20 ~ 25 minutes... I walked out the door and started walking. After about 5 minutes, I went back to BJ’s to take my name off the list; I saw couple of other places that seemed less crowded. But this time, Candice saw me.
Candice: Hi! Do you remember me?
me: Of course! Candice. Right?
Candice: Right!
me: Hey, can you take my name off the list? I have to be somewhere and I don’t think I can wait.
Candice: Really? (She looks around) I’ll have a table ready for you soon. (Looks around again). 5 minutes.
me: 5 minutes? OK...
I walked out the door and looked at the menu. After about a minute, I heard Candice through the speaker “*** party of one!” She walked me inside and showed me a booth/table big enough for eight.
me: Hey, wait. It’s OK, I can wait.
Candice: No, no. It’s OK.
me: Are you sure?
Candice: Yes.
me: OK.
I sat. She told me that Tom would be my server and walked away. A little later, she came back to talk about how my interview went with *** Eyewear.
Candice: So, how did the interview go?
me: What? Oh, the interview?
Candice: Where was it?
me: It was in Sun Valley.
Candice: No, I mean which company was it?
me: Oh. Some eyewear company with a small IT department.
Candice: How did it go?
me: Well, I think it went well, but I didn’t like it.
Candice: Why not?
me: They used some old tech, office environment seemed too rigid, and didn’t look like they had much room for creativity.
Candice: Yah, I remember you wanted creativity.
The whole place just crazy so she had to get back to work. I sat there, at a booth big enough for 8, and quickly ate my "BJ's Favorite" pizza with beer.
At this point, I was thinking I want to get to know Candice better as a friend. But here’s my problem. I couldn’t just say, “hey, what are you doing this weekend? Do you want to go see a movie or have coffee?” It would have sounded like I was trying to pick her up. I also couldn’t follow that up with “don’t get me wrong. I think you are great, but I just want to get to know you as a friend.” And, moreover, I definitely could not start explaining myself because that would be simply psychotic. So, what do I do? I walked out the door with a simple “bye.”
In school, it was easy to make female friends. School made it an ideal environment for making female friends by creating natural run-ins at lectures, dorms, campus, and social events. But, now that I’m no longer in school and currently not working in an office, I am unsure how I can make female friends. Help?!? Is this even possible?
Note: The conversations aren't entirely accurate... I just don't remember the entire conversation word for word.
Update [2005.02.21]: I called Remington today to check the status of their efforts. Since Elizabeth, who seems to be in charge of my case, wasn't available, Matt (team leader) and Candice explained the status. I thanked her for getting me a table last Friday and I asked if she was working at BJ's tonight. I guess I thought I would have dinner at BJ's and hopefully talk to Candice. She said no and added that she gave her 2 weeks notice at BJ's. No chance for casual run-ins. Since I will not (cannot) ask her out on a date, I hereby conclude my efforts to forge a friendship with Candice.
