Friday, March 31, 2006

I Am A Creative Theorist?

Summer Street, Boston, Massachusetts
71° F and ridden with allergens

After reading Emily's Test Results, I decided to take the Super IQ test. It was late and I was bored. Anyway, here's the result:

Your test results indicate that the way you process information makes you a Creative Theorist.

You are a highly intelligent, complex person. You process all kinds of information easily, using the power of both your creative and analytic abilities. In any situation, you know how to extract the most valuable details and use them to understand the larger picture. Most people do not have your talent of being able to spot both numerical and visual patterns.

Your highly imaginative mind allows you to be innovative, and conjure up notions of what could be. In some circles this is called "thinking outside the box" and is considered an extremely valuable asset. However, not everyone is prepared for such an active imagination and you may find you have to spend time convincing people of your great ideas. It might behoove you to find others like you, who are able to understand how your mind works.

Here's an example of your Creative Theorist thinking skills at work in a real-life situation:

You go to a symphony with a bunch of friends. The way the conductor moves his arms during the performance makes you think of patterns you have studied in physics. You remember the movement of a pendulum and how a cradle rocks back and forth in the same motion, and you tell yourself that you are going to dig up your old school books just to brush up on other related concepts. When the concert ends, you feel compelled to tell your friends about the beautiful intersection you witnessed between science and art. They'll most likely see what you mean, but they would never have come up with the association on their own. Thank goodness you think the way you do!

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Thursday, March 30, 2006

The Quest Is Now Over

Winthrop Road, Brookline, Massachusetts
47° F

The seemingly endless quest for a modest residence is finally over. The exhaustive search will no longer be a menacingly imposing part of my life. For now, anyway. The next few days will be a bit hectic with the move and shopping, but I can't wait until I get to sleep in my own bed....

I already have a bed and desk picked out. These are not exactly what I dreamed of, but these will have to do as temporary furnishings for temporary housing.

Update [2005.03.31]: The Larsson desk won't be available until May of 2006. I don't want to wait that long. So, I'm going to have to find an alternative.

Related Entries:

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

2nd Day at Work: PAL WPA meeting

Winthrop Road, Brookline, Massachusetts
44° F

BIP requires a risk assessment BEAP. CREP is at TAN and WEK is not WRAP. QER has been re-prioritized to BUD.

What? You don't understand what that means? Me neither. I was sitting in the weekly project meeting trying to figure out one acronym after another. After a while, I just gave up and started dozing off. I tried so hard to keep up the appearance of staying awake, but it's possible I jerked my head backwards a couple of times and snored a bit. I think I pulled it off. Not.

The company I work for is a remnant of the dot-com glory days when any self respecting tech company had nothing but Herman Miller's Aeron chairs, free soda vending machine, and a rec rooms with foosball table, dart boards, and arcade style consoles. Since those days, the company had matured, trimmed its fat, and got down to business, but these artifacts stayed on.

Starting a new tech job is always an adventure. Everyone of them had their own way of doing things... new set of quirks I had to make my own. Sometimes it can be overwhelming, but you just have to keep your eyes/mind on the ball and follow it through until these become part of your second nature...

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Blogger's Block

Winthrop Road, Brookline, Massachusetts: 43° F

Let's see... it's been a few days since my last blog entry. Quite a bit has happened since then, and yet I haven't had a single moment of inspiration. Here's what usually happens before an entry:

  1. An event triggers my mind into series of thoughts.
  2. I regurgitate these thoughts over and over...
  3. over time, these thoughts form into an entry in my head.
  4. I dump the entry into a text editor (rough rough draft)

The problem is that, so far, I haven't had any event that stimulated my mind. There were few events such as drinking way too many bottles of wine with Dave and Catherine, blabbering about things I normally wouldn't dare say sober, seeing way too many apartments and rooms, and buying a leather messenger bag that I have been picturing in my mind for a long time knowing well that I shouldn't. But nothing inspires... Perhaps my mind is uneasy with the continually transitory nature of my life. I need to settle in... and rest...

Off Topic: Tomorrow's my first day at work... I hope everything goes well.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Waiting for Rejection...

Starbucks, 31 Church Street, Cambridge, Massachusetts
37° F and sunny.

12 hours have passed...

I'm sitting inside a Starbucks store at the other end of United States. Sleep depravation adds to the surreal quality of the experience. I'm waiting... to be interviewed and rejected for the ever elusive roommate position near Harvard Square. I don't feel I'm up to it. I've been up all night and I am barely hanging on by the steady stream of caffeine being poured down my throat. Getting a job was so much easier than this...

The flight...

Middle seat is the worst. I thought I was lucky when a Southeast Asian woman half my size sat next to me. No, I wasn't trying to get lucky, I just felt lucky since I knew she wouldn't "overflow" ("Red-eye to Boston") into my seat during the flight. Well... so I thought. During the 5 hours and 15 minutes of flight time, she managed to elbow me several times, rub against my leg way too often, and slap my face (actually, my left eye) a few times using the airplane blanket as a makeshift wip. With her small and unassuming stature she had managed to make this red-eye the worst flight of my life. I've learned my lesson: BEWARE of unassuming Asian women who have mastered the art of inflight torture...

Note: OK. I shouldn't give all the credit to the Asian woman of torture. There was a pair of screaming kids on the same row across the aisle that partook in creating the optimal torture conditions.

Related Entries:

Update [2006.03.25]: I think the potential roommate was supposed to contact me by yesterday and have not heard from him. It's safe to say, I've been rejected yet again. By a guy. What is it about me that screams 'bad roommate?'

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Journey Back to Boston

Burbank Bob Hope Airport, Burbank, California
61° F and it's already dark outside.

I'm on my way back to Boston... It has been about a year since I left Boston, not knowing when I would return. I am now sitting at the gate area waiting to board UA 6449 to San Francisco... then to Boston. I am conflicted as to how I feel... I feel more numb than anything... which reminds me of how I felt during the couple of months prior to marriage... like a seasoned soldier who has seen too much... trudging along the path toward unknown danger. No fear. No hope.

I hope for the best... I will give it my best. That will be sufficient for now.

I've been tagged(?)

Granada Hills, California: 65° F and sunny. again.

I've been tagged. I am told this is what I'm supposed to do: answer the following questions. Since I have a few hours to kill before I need to leave, I thought I would go through with it...

Four Jobs I have had in my life:

  1. Private tutor - teaching runs in the family (mother's side)
  2. Slave / tour guide - worked for A-Ju tours in Koreatown for one summer. One summer was one summer too many.
  3. Community Service Officer (CSO) at UCLA - great way to meet girls.
  4. Software Engineer - can be monotonous at times, but it pays the bills.

Four movies I would watch over and over:

  1. Saving Private Ryan - I'm a guy.
  2. Shawshank Redemption
  3. Matrix - Again, it's a guy thing.
  4. Before Sunrise

Four places I've lived:

  1. Seoul, Korea
  2. the Valley - all over the Valley
  3. Westwood - my college years
  4. Boston - Arlington and Back Bay

Four TV shows I love to watch:

  1. Sex and the City - I own all of 6 seasons of Sex & the City
  2. Law & Order SVU - she liked watching it...
  3. Lost - it's not something you want to watch over and over again, but it's good
  4. Sopranos

Four Bands/Singers I'd love to meet:

  1. Norah Jones - LOVE her.
  2. Lisa Loeb - she is adorable.
  3. Gwen Stefani - LOVE her too.
  4. Bill Evans - I don't think he's alive, but would like to meet him. I wouldn't know what to say, but I would like to meet him.

Places I have been on vacation:

  1. South Korea
  2. London, UK
  3. Nairobi and Mombasa, Kenya
  4. Zanzibar, Tanzania
  5. Vienna, Austria - I blame "Before Sunrise"
  6. New York City - where all good picante sauces are made
  7. Tokyo, Japan - actually just Roppongi. I can't really say I vacationed in Tokyo. I took the train to Roppongi, had dinner with a friend, slept one night, and left the next day.
  8. Toronto, Canada
  9. Las Vegas and Reno, Nevada - only been to one strip club in my life. How sad is that?
  10. Amsterdam, Netherlands - didn't smoke pot and didn't watch any sex shows... I blame my upbringing.
  11. Stockholm, Sweden - [Updated 2006.08.03] Well... wasn't actually there for vacation, but I did get to roam the city on weekends.

Four web sites I visit daily:

  1. Gentle Kryptonite - this seems a bit narcissistic, but it's actually because I am anal retentive (self doubting perfectionist).
  2. c|net news.com
  3. Wired News
  4. Playboy.com - not true, but I couldn't resist. I just typed in the URL in my browser to make sure it was there - hence, it was my first time... but not the last from the looks of it.

Four of my favorite foods:

  1. Thai - usually Pad Thai... I'm boring that way.
  2. Malaysian - Mee Siam (Yummm...)
  3. Korean - Nehng Myun (cold noodles) or BeeBimBop (rice mixed with various veg. and HOT sauce)
  4. Italian - anything without seafood or chicken

Four places I would rather be right now:

  1. Anywhere with my little ones...
  2. In bed with someone I love (no one at the moment) reading.
  3. On a massage table. Getting a good 90 minute massage.
  4. In Europe somewhere with a back pack strapped to my back and without a care in the world.

Four individuals who I have tagged that I think will respond:

I have not tagged anyone. No one, except Emily and maybe Jeanelle, reads my blog on a regular basis. Sad... but true.

Goodbye L.A.

Granada Hills, California: 52° F

It feels like my life is a series of mobisodes. Sure. Life is a series of beginnings and endings, but I seem to go through more of them in a short amount of time. It has only been a little less than two months since I arrived in Los Angeles. I thought I would settle down where I grew up... I thought my stay in L.A. would be permanent... and here I am packing, once again, my possessions into 4 bags...

My Los Angeles is pretty much the Valley and Westwood; other parts are considered as places for excursions. I know I will have the chance to say goodbye to the Valley tomorrow. So, for today, I had to drive to Westwood. I had to walk the streets of Westwood and wander into the campus. I went inside Ackerman Union to buy a shirt as I always have during every visit to L.A. I guess I didn't buy a shirt until now because I thought I was here to stay...

Goodbye, L.A.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Starbucks, Westwood

Starbucks, 10955 West Weyburn Ave., Los Angeles, California
59° F and sunny...

1 day before departure...

Monday, March 20, 2006

You are a Faithful Inventor.

Granada Hills, California: 52° F

After reading "personal dna: your true self revealed" by Jeanelle, I took the test myself. I woud have to say I am impressed with the results.

Here's the result:

About You

You are an Inventor

  • Your imagination, self-reliance, openness to new things, and appreciation for utility combine to make you an INVENTOR.
  • You have the confidence to make your visions into reality, and you are willing to consider many alternatives to get that done.
  • The full spectrum of possibilities in the world intrigues you—you're not limited by pre-conceived notions of how things should be.
  • Problem-solving is a specialty of yours, owing to your persistence, curiosity, and understanding of how things work.
  • Your vision allows you to identify what's missing from a given situation, and your creativity allows you to fill in the gaps.
  • Your awareness of how things function gives you the ability to come up with new uses for common objects.
  • It is more interesting for you to pursue excitement than it is to get caught up in a routine.
  • Although understanding details is not difficult for you, you specialize in seeing the bigger picture and don't get caught up in specifics.
  • You tend to more proactive than reactive—you don't just wait for things to come to you.
  • You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.
  • Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

How You Relate to Others

You are Faithful

  • Your trust in others, respect for tradition, and caring nature make you FAITHFUL.
  • Maintaining a few intimate relationships is more important to you than knowing a lot of people, and you share a lot with your close friends.
  • Those who have managed to get close to you value your camaraderie, and they know that they can trust you with anything; you're a good listener.
  • While you can usually see several sides of an argument, you often have a strong opinion as to which side is correct—the order of things is usually clear to you.
  • Your perspective on the world is based on careful observation, and you know a lot about how people feel in—and react to—many situations.
  • Your exploration of others' feelings has led you to believe that although people generally act appropriately, having clear social rules is very important to a functional society.
  • Time alone for reflection is important to you—you are introspective and aware of your own feelings.
  • Faithful is as faithful does—you expect those with whom you are close to be loyal to you, and you take betrayal of your trust very seriously.

You can take the test yourself at: Personal DNA: Your True Self Revealed.

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Sunday, March 19, 2006

woman of my dreams...

Starbucks, 10235 Reseda Blvd, Northridge, California
56° F

she brushes my hair away as I awake from my clumsy slumber.
I open my eyes to gentleness in her eyes...
a smile that disolves all burden of being me.
she wipes away the white trail leading away from my mouth
and kisses me with a bursting smile.
as I fumble with my clothes because I'm late for a meeting
she slows me down
and tells me that life won't end because I'm 5 minutes late.
she fixes my tie and gently caresses impressions of slumber on my face

as I slow down,
she is irresistable in my white dress shirt...
I kiss her with intent
she smiles and hits my chest playfully
and pushes me out the door.


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The Quest for Holy Grail

Borders Bookstore, Northridge, California
59° F with slight overcast.

I have been neglecting my blog. It's not that I didn't want to write, I just couldn't. The quest for the Holy Grail--or in my case, a place to live--is all-consuming. I've read one too many ads on Craig's List and my eyes are now starting to glaze over. Apparently, I will be the only homeless guy with a respectable balance in the bank and a paying job that I know... OK, so I don't know any homeless person, but that doesn't change the gravity of the situation.

I'm sure Dave won't mind me crashing at his place for another week or so, but I just can't allow myself to burden him again. It was hard enough to the accept when he offered to put me up for a week. I'm certainly not going to put him through another week of diminished privacy. I guess I can spend 700 dollars, if I'm lucky, to stay at some subpar boutique hotel in the city for a week...

I wish I could just move back to my old place in Back Bay...

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

The Decision

San Gabriel, California: 63° F and sunny.

After selling my home in Back Bay and moving to Seoul little over a year ago, I am finally moving back home. I'm a Bostonian. I belong in Boston.

Last Sunday

After randomly writing down pros and cons of settling in Boston or Los Angeles, I realized I was still dreaming that my "gentle kryptonite" and I would miraculously get back together someday. I was blatantly ignoring all the signs that this wasn't even a remote possibility. After I had sent the text message canceling our dinner for Monday night, she gave me the assurance that I needed that we will never work... ever again: absolute silence (Beginning of the End...). I couldn't be with a person who chooses to ignore me. With her out of the equation, I felt I was more ready to make the decision.

Last Monday

I arrived at Lechmere station only to realize I was an hour early for my interview. I decided to get a non-fat chai latte from Starbucks in Cambridgeside Galleria. There... I saw her. Well, I thought I saw her. She had her back toward me, but I was quite sure it was her... but then again... I used to see her everywhere... even in Seoul where I knew it couldn't be her. I sat down to drink my latte, but kept thinking to myself 'GET OUT, SAM! GET OUT!' Without looking toward where she was, I got up and walked out the door...

I got a call from the "Director of Application Engineering" 20 minutes before my next interview. He gave me an offer that was in the lower range of my comfort level. 'But then again,' I thought 'I have not worked as a software engineer for little over a year...' I told him I would give him my answer by the end of the week.

I came back to Dave's place and packed my stuff. My mind was working out the decision as I saw myself stuffing my dirty laundry into a small carry-on bag. I get this way sometimes... as if I'm watching a movie of myself doing something especially when I'm immersed in my own thoughts.

Yesterday

I took a cab to Logan at 3:30 AM for my 6 AM flight... I was going through the motions of a frequent traveler... Self check-in, electronic ticket, one carry-on, and devoid of all things metal on my body. It felt like I've been through a million security checks. I felt sick to my stomach of traveling. It could have been gin & tonic's with Dave or lack of sleep, but I was not looking forward to flying. All these while feeling as if I was watching myself.

I wasn't in the habit of basing my life decisions on parental consent, but they have been very supportive during the toughest period of my life. I felt I owed it to them to at least discuss the issue before making my decision since they really did push for me to settle in Los Angeles. They were supportive, as always, in my decision to move back to Boston.

Today

I made the phone call. I verbally accepted the offer. Paper works will follow, but it's pretty much a done deal. I'm going home...

Monday, March 13, 2006

Job Search Status, part 3

Winthrop Road, Brookline, Massachusetts
43° F

Finally. Shocking as it may be, somebody actually wants me. I got a call just before my final interview of this trip with a company based in Cambridge. It's always a confidence booster to know someone is willing to pay good money for your services. The interview with the company in Cambridge went pretty well... as well. I'm going to go out to celebrate. Even if I might not come back to Boston, it feels good to say, "I got a job offer."

Previously on "Gentle Kryptonite"...

  1. Pseudo-interviews: Remington International
  2. Job Search Status
  3. Job Search Status, part 2
  4. Back in Boston...

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Beginning of the End...

Starbucks, 443 Boylston Street, Boston, Massachusetts
45° F with overcast and wind...

With the following text message, I realized it was the beginning of the end...

I'm sorry. I don't think I should meet you Monday. I am still not over you.

Wednesday

I was intoxicated beyond reason. Inside the cab, heading back to Dave's place, I texted her... "Did you get my email? If you want me to... I'll stop whatever it is that I'm doing..."

Thursday

I was nursing my hangover when I received her reply: "Is there anything wrong?" After several exchanges of abbreviated text messages we decided to meet for dinner on Monday. I guess we both avoided actual voice on voice communication for one reason or another...

Saturday

I was in no mood to go out. I knew I had to make the decision soon. I began to organize my thought into my brain dump... pros & cons... Boston vs. Los Angeles... friends... family... job... the little ones... I couldn't come to a conclusion. My mind was caught in a storm of responsibilities, needs, happiness, and future...

Sunday

I left Dave's apartment eight in the morning. I needed to think... to sort things out... purge the thoughts in disarray into a concrete decision. I needed to walk the peaceful Sunday morning streets of Boston.

As I was walking I realized that part of the reason why I wanted to return to Boston was this lingering misplace hope of... her. I finally admitted to myself and to her that I wasn't over her. I needed to verbalize the truth... state the obvious and MOVE ON. With the text message, I felt myself beginning to finally move on.

The note

I still had some time before the Sunday morning service began. I stopped by the B & B (Starbucks at Berkeley and Boylston)... and remembered the note (A Private Note) I had left for her. It was still there. It was still there even after I had told her a long time ago that I had left a message for her... Seeing the note neglected by the intended... still orphaned... was all that was needed to put an end to any lingering doubt.

I took the note out...
and
ripped it into pieces...

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Friday, March 10, 2006

Fishy Vaginal Odor?!?!

Winthrop Road, Brookline, Massachusetts
57° F and 4° higher than Los Angeles? How did that happen?

OK. What the...?!?!

You know something is definitely wrong when the Google Ads that's supposed to be intelligent enough to derive ad content from your blog comes up with the following 5 ads:

  1. Fishy Vaginal Odor?
    "How To Smell Fresh At All Times" 68,000 Women Already Know
    www.enzara.com/Guarantee
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    End the stigma of urine odor. Rid urine odor & stain from any surface
    www.urine-off.com
  3. Top Ten Sources
    Find the top blogs and RSS feeds on all your favorite topics
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  4. Urine & Pee Removal
    Urine & Pee Permanently Removed w/ 6 Steps. Learn a Proven Method!
    www.Urine-Removal.com
  5. Fish vaginal smell
    Humiliated by Female Fishy Odor? We Review Products That Can Help
    www.SupplementsReviewed.com

I mean, what is it about my blog that says "fishy vaginal odor?" or even "urine" for that matter. Is it the phrase "women's pants" that's telling Google AdSense that I must be writing about vaginal odor? I am just so mortified... But then again, it's a good thing that this blog is relatively obscure...

Note: by posting this entry, it seems I am setting myself up for more ads on vaginal odor related products... but I just couldn't help myself...

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Zuma, Huston's, and Spire...

Starbucks, 62 Boylston St., Boston, Massachusetts
41° F and drizzling on and off.

OK... I'm wide awake... It's 6:05. I can't fall back asleep. Oh, yeah... it's the alcohol effect. My brain starts running with thoughts... reiterating... reliving what had happened last night.

Zuma

The night started out innocent enough. Tex-mex at Zuma with Ben, Dave, Bill and his one year old daughter. I guess the trouble started with Ben's triple G's margarita; we all followed his good taste (he always had good taste in such things). One became two... then we headed over for couple more drinks at Houston's.

Houston's

I walked in and I immediately notice most women are decent and some are quite attractive. Dave, Ben, and I (Bill had to take his drunk butt home because he was with his daughter) walked around to a corner of the bar and claimed our niche for the night.

Well... I tend to become incredibly honest when I am intoxicated to a point where the filter that weeds out what should be kept as private thoughts sort of disappears. I turned my head over to Ben:

me: I think the bartender is hot.
Ben: Yeah. I am sure she hears that all the time.

She walked toward us and I leaned over the bar and said...

me: We were just discussing that we're quite sure you get this all the time, but you are PRETTY. (I actually used the word "pretty")
bartender: (smiles and does her work)

a short moment later

bartender: (still smiling) But it never gets old.

Come to think of it, smiling could have been just occupational reflex.

We stuck around for the last call... which was quite early (10 PM?)

Spire

Ben and Matt (Ben's friend we met at Houston's) didn't want to call it a night. I am not in the habit of saying no when it comes to friends as long as it didn't interfere with life/work. Since I am conveniently unemployed at the moment, I joined them for another drink. Spire was a restaurant/bar at hotel NineZero... and it was occupied by the usual hotel crowd: slightly older and tired.

We were having an intelligent discussion on the quality of the bar nuts (I think) when I noticed photos of beautiful women on the bar next to me. I leaned over to the woman who was looking at them, because... I was drunk, and said...

me: May I? (pointing at the photos)
Kristyna: Sure. Go right ahead.
me: what do you do?
Kristyna: I work for CO-ED magazine. I select CO-ED models from universities.
me: WOW... you must have great taste in women.
Kristyna: ... I was just at Harvard screening for models.
me: Really? Wow... Nothing turns me on more than intelligence... and the face. I love a good brain on a woman...

I'm sure my words were lazily escaping my mouth slurred and a half beat too late. I was pretty much blabbering words that were forming in my head without a thought. I think at one point I flipped out my expired MENSA card... which could only mean that I wasn't feeling too self-confident at that moment... I carry it hidden in my wallet for those moments when I need to remind myself that I am... correction. I was considered somewhat intelligent according to a poorly designed test I once took to rub it in my brother's face.

Anyhow... Kristyna and I exchanged email addresses and we went our separate ways. As I said, I am not looking to get into women's pants. Not anytime soon anyway. I would be lying if I said the thought never crossed my mind, but I am just not that kind of a person...

alcohol effect: It's pretty much the inverse the effect of caffeine. Initial phase of blurred mind and fatigue... then when the body starts burning the alcohol, my mind becomes clear and restless. I usually have to fall asleep before drowsiness of alcohol wears off or I would be up ALL NIGHT. Call me wierd, but that's just me.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Back in Boston...

Starbucks, 211 Congress Street, Boston, Massachusetts
41° F (just the way I like it)

The whole experience seems surreal. I know I am back in Boston, but it feels as if my mind is not ready to believe that I'm actually in Boston. The whole excitement that I had always experienced is now gone. I guess the mind is having a hard time being excited when the permanence of the return is in question.

Six days...

I've given myself an almost impossible deadline. I need to find a good lead on a job in 6 short days. I don't know what I was expecting from this trip... Was I expecting the company I had left after less than a year would hire me back without any questions or an interview? That someone would look at my resume and just decide to hire me on the spot?

A friend has offered some temporary work... but I need more... I need something...

The old company

I worked at a company based in Cambridge, Massachusetts. It had only been about 6 months since I started working there when I had realized I had to go to Seoul. I had to be in Korea to make sure my little ones were well cared for... I had to make sure their mother was well enough to take care of the little ones. The company was gracious enough to allow me to work from overseas for couple of months. When I had realized my stay would be extended, the company and I had come to a conclusion that it would be in everyone's best interest to end the employment. Now that I am coming back to Boston, I felt I owe it to the company to work for them if they wanted to hire me after what had happened.

Note: I just found out during lunch that the chief architect of my old company is actually reading my blog. Hi, John. And no, the fact that you are reading this doesn't change the fact that I've decided to be bluntly honest on this blog.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Physiological Phenomenon

Starbucks, 16848 Devonshire Street, Granada Hills, California
61° F and raining for a change.

Warning: Some of you may find the following entry somewhat offensive and/or grotesque. However, I felt the event/experience was significant enough that it deserved a blog entry... against my better judgement. (my better judgement: posting the following entry will greatly diminish my chances of attracting any woman, let alone a soul mate, some day, so DO NOT POST!)

The last 2 days, I had slept at my brother's place. I guess my bodily functions were thrown off balance: somehow my bowel movements seized... to move. I had been feeling the pressure for a day or so, but I knew the contents would eventually find their way out. Little did I know... the effect of such naval congestion would have on my body to cause such a physiological phenomenon. I was in for a surprise of my life.

I was driving on I-210 back to San Fernando Valley, when it happened. Gas (NOT gasoline) was released. With intense heat. I was overwhelmed. It was pungent yet curiously sweet... having an intensity that makes me want to say... that it smelled like highly concentrated form of whatever that makes methane gas smell like methane gas if I knew what highly concentrated form of the stuff would smell like. While my semi-conscious self was trying to decide how to react to this sensory overload, my subconscious guided me toward San Francisco (I-5 north)... as if going to San Francisco would set things straight somehow. As a much delayed and long waited reaction, I cracked the window open. When I thought enough air had blasted through the car, I closed the window... only to find out the smell was quite resilient. 'What? That's not possible!' I thought. It turns out, that single blow pretty much changed the whole aura (and aroma) of the car's interior. Somehow, the built up pressure and heat had converted fecal ammunition into weapon's grade shit in lethal gaseous form. It had permanently fouled the seat underneath me as well as my pants.

I got off the I-5 and turned around to get back to the Valley (I was already 5 miles off course). All of a sudden, I felt another round of the doom's day gas building inside. There was no way I was going to let this one out. Then I started thinking... 'if the stuff is so wretched, by holding it in, am I doing some irreversible damage to my internal physiology? or worse yet, would the gas find another orifice to escape from my body, permanently making me reek of the stuff?' I was gravely worried. The stuff was so toxic that I was seriously debating between releasing the gas or suffering the internal damage... While all this is going through my head, I missed my exit. Again. The gravity of the situation made it almost impossible for me to concentrate on the road.

Anyway, I safely (somehow) got back to my parents' place and took care of business (unloaded the ammo). Now, all I need to do is to burn my pants. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the car. It's not mine.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Nomad

Starbucks, 3699 E Foothill Blvd, Pasadena, California: 50° F

It's tough waking up in a different place every so often. I'm not in the habit of sleeping around, but not having a permanent home, I must resign myself to the painful truth: I'm a nomad... This experience would have been a whole lot more exciting if sex were involved, but I'm afraid it isn't. I stayed at my brother's place in San Gabriel.

Recap

Yesterday was a busy day. I had to attend a funeral, pickup relatives from the airport, and go see grandparents in Fullerton. So I got into my multipurpose mandatory black suit and sat in the L.A. traffic for insane number of hours before aborting my first goal of the day; I was already late for the second goal: pickup uncle and aunt from the airport. It seems traffic in L.A. is worse during the weekend. By the time I got to the airport, they had been waiting almost 40 minutes. I hate being late...

All in all, it was a good day because I got to spend some time with my grandparents.

Damn! I'm out of time. I have to run. Again.

Friday, March 03, 2006

On the Road Again...

Borders Bookstore, Northridge, California: 54° F

Early Tuesday morning, I will be flying out of Burbank. I have been flying so much in the last two years that my possessions have dwindled down into things that fit into 3 bags and a laptop bag. I seldom bother to unpack these days. My things seem to have found their permanent niche in my luggage.

Destination? Boston. I'm going to Boston... I going to see if I can re-establish my life.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Guys Night Out: L.A.

Starbucks, Tustin, California: 58° F and damn too sunny

OK... Where am I...? Who am I looking at? She’s carefully walking around in my line of sight... Oh yeah... Tustin. I'm in Tustin. It's Han's livingroom. I close my eyes and pretend to be sleeping; I wanted to avoid the awkward moment.

Last night, my old friends (Tony & Han) and I had a PG version of guys night out. No, I take that back. PG-13. Graphic language and heavy drinking were involved. We talked about old times again, but this time with the help of alcohol-ridden brains, graphic details came easily. We spoke of people we knew, ex-girlfriends, and... ok, mostly about ex-girlfriends, crushes, and girls. Apparently, I seem to have made bad choices with women. I realized this as I was going down the list of women of my past in my head... except for... It doesn't matter anymore. We started emptying one bottle after another. I showed off my tatoo (I seem to do this whenever I’m sufficiently drunk) and turns out Tony had a tatoo of a tiger on his back which his daughter thinks is a kitty ("meeyaooow" to be exact).

Damn... I'm still a bit drunk. My head is pounding. The music is TOO loud.

Anyhow, I was obviously too drunk to drive back home, so I ended up crashing at Han's place. But, just before hitting the sack, Han and I opened the bottle of Bombay Saphire I had brought and started doing shots... Not a good idea... By the time we got up from the bar (kitchen) I realized I drank more than I should have. I knew I was going to regret it. I knew Han was going to regret it. He had to go to work in the morning. I felt bad. (Susan, if you ever read this somehow, I’m sorry for keeping Han up and getting him drunk on a weeknight.)

I am now sitting in a Starbucks store in Tustin hoping for my residual buzz to go away and my stomach to feel less queasy. I don't think I can drive an hour in this condition...

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Wednesday, March 01, 2006

My Life, part 4: Vienna

Starbucks at Devonshire & Reseda, Reseda, California
65° F and, surprise, surprise, it's sunny.

April 2000...

I guess that make it 42 months into the marriage. I was having serious doubts. I was never one to easily express discontent. We didn’t fight. She would have her explosions once in a while, and I did everything I could to appease her. I wanted to be the understanding husband and a man. Man are suppose to be able to endure... be understanding. I had to accept the way she was... it was my decision not to object to the rushed marriage. It was my decision and a promise... my responsibility. But, I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep living a lie.

I wanted some time alone to re-evaluate the course of my life. I needed to really think if I could live this way for the rest of my life. Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t have any misguided notion of being with someone else. My self-esteem was probably at it’s lowest at the time and didn’t think it would be possible to find anyone else.

Self-Esteem

I played inside linebacker and was a part of the kick off team (aka kamikaze squad) in high school. I was never huge, but I was physically fit. In college, I worked as Community Service Officer (aka student police) patrolling the campus and parking lots on a bike. Those of you who know the UCLA campus, it’s not exactly flat. When I stopped being active, sitting on my butt for 10 hours a day, I started gaining weight. By the year 2000, I was 225 pounds (102 kg) at 5’10.5’’ (~ 179 cm). I was always big-boned (genetic disposition to have bones with larger mass), but now I was actually fat. So, you see, I had no misguided hopes of love from another woman. And yet, I was seriously considering ending the marriage.

Vienna

I needed some time alone. I wanted to travel alone to some place remote... away from everyday events and familiar faces and just think. I requested for a vacation that very day. I told her I needed to go away, alone. I told her I needed to think. She wouldn’t have any of it. I couldn’t tell her exactly why I needed to be alone. After about a week of trying to convince her, I finally gave up and decided to travel together. One week after requesting for vacation, we were on a flight to Frankfurt. All I had time for was to purchase roundtrip to and from Frankfurt. I knew I would figure something out along the way. We ended up going to Vienna via Eurail.

Pregnancy

I guess the mother-in-law knew... She kept pushing us to have a child. She would say things like, “it’s time for you guys to have a child to create a family bond” or “a child will fortifiy your marriage.” At this point I wasn’t ready to express my doubts and my sense of responsibility made it feel necessary to go along with the idea. J bought testing kits for ovulation; it looked like a pregnancy testing kit except it tells you when you are ovulating. Why the ovulation kit? I guess she didn't want to waste time with any unnecessary sex. Our sex life had quickly dwindled into nothingness soon after marriage.

Soon after return from Vienna, I was at work when she called me with the news. She was pregnant. I was thinking, is that even possible? We tried once sometime before Vienna. Not twice. Just once. Since I didn’t believe her to be promiscuous (possibly a closet lesbian, but not promiscuous) so I had to believe it was actually possible.

The whole notion of a child... my own flesh and blood... was quite noble. I was excited. I was going to do everything in my power to make sure he or she would have the best life could offer. My sense of responsibility was fortified. My conviction to marriage renewed. Little that I knew what was ahead... bouts screams.. days of cold and eery silence... traumatizing our son...

closet lesbian: There are couple of reasons for suspecting this. Unusually pronounced case of penis envy is one of them. I think she still wants one. She and her family talk about how badly she wanted a penis as a child. The other is her appearance on the day I met her for the first time. She apparently didn't spend any time or effort on hair, makeup, or clothes... and didn't like wearing bras. At first I was thrown off by this, but told myself repeatedly that she was chosen't for me (My Life, part 1: Marriage)... It wasn't until much later that her femininity made its appearance.

Note on Photo: I had chosen the best possible picture from the whole trip. Notice how I chose a photo taken at night and it's blurry? That's intentional. Observe how the oversized shirt cleverly covers bulging gut and love handles.

Addendum: After reading my own entry after the initial post, it seems I have misrepresented J. She can be a wonderful person. She is attractive when she chooses to be. She is also usually a good mother to my little ones. Hence the term "explosion"; the difference can be night and day. Also, I can't say that I'm an angel. I have my shortcomings. I think what I was trying to say in this entry was that we just weren't a right fit and that I knew this a LONG time ago...